Background to Maddness

[madd74]

Please note this comes from JOHD. The actual full entry is HERE, however, I just wanted to post some background infromation as to my interaction and thoughts with the world.

It is long... more so than I possibly imagined.

First off... this is inspired by a comment dITZ made to me talking about my long post of betrayel, and my dissipointement in myself for "letting down God". She stated, in her infinate wisdom, which was good to be reminded (since I already know), the fact Jesus died for our sins. I know, some humans read that, and think "bah" since they believe not in the Lord or the Savior. That is fine, I am not here to preach to anyone about God. However, I am here to preach about the fact that is how I LIVE my life, and do so with the belief of these Two. In doing so, I find it important to remind the human populous (going through old comments) that I am:

-human: I make imstakes and take things the wrong way

-human: I get defensive when I feel I am being attacked /T (/T = at times, it is Qwest short hand). Because of this, INITIAL responses are some times said more so with defense as opposed to a calm rational debate

-semi not human: I admit to making mistakes, and do so often, more often than I am given credit for... while I do not necessarily require the credit, to make comments or thoughts or judgements that I think I know everything or do not make mistakes shows err on YOUR part and the fact YOU are being very human

-semi not human: in no way shape or form do I benefit from causing anyone intentional pain... the only possibly time this is not the case is when...

-human: someone does something to me that is proven malice with intent... and people who do so, with full notion of what they are doing to me is hurtful, I get a human satisfaction from watching them go through pain of equal or greater value, which, is very wrong of me, and I will be the first to admit it

-male: my emotional expression towards humans is not very well shown any more... while I use to believe it solely on the fact I had been hurt so many times, I find this to not be entirely the case... physical and chemical issues in a male brain of males my age cause males to simply not be able to sucessfully express their emotion... it has been studied (and for those who simply require proof, it is find, I will hunt down the proof already presented from my Marriage and Family psychology class)... and it is something that I FIGHT... some times... for some times... I do not fight it... I figure... why bother... at some point I will move from this life and it will not matter... and other strange mental thought processes

-madd: and in being so, despite what the world thinks, do not simply want to stick my penis in the nearest hole that moves... at least, not as far as actions go... my thoughts? Well... my thoughts are very...

-human male: geared /T to want to just implant everything that moves. In my life time, before and after being sexual, I have thought about or "fantasized" about sex with males, females, animals, inanimate objects, babies, small children, old people, dead people... and even myself (meaning the thought of me having an exact twin). The intial thought of many people to such a comment is how I am a sick twisted individual that cannot be trusted... to where I will reply, if you are not admitting you have possibly done similar in your life time, that if you were hypnotized, and ask if you ever thought about any of these ever, you would be found GUILTY...

-madd: I just happen to not repress the thoughts... on the same token, I do not ACT on the thoughts... I have had fantasizes about murdering people... and many other things, yet, I do not act upon it. I have not molested children... I do not have sex with males... yaddie yaddie... so in conclusion, realize if you are female there is a good chance I have thought about having sex with you, yet... have not, and will not

-madd: and that my beliefs and lifestlye is quite possibly something well beyond your grasp. Just because I have lived a certain lifestyle does NOT make it wrong no matter HOW much you think it is... if maybe I am the only human living the lifestyle, then, maybe I will accept what you say as truth, however, to this point...

-human: everything, including 5th Dimentional Thinking, casual sex, sex with someone in an open relationship, God, Pink Floyd, over anaysis, psychology, and everything else I have missed are things that *I* am not along in...

-human madd: not fond of people who want to argue simply for the sake of doing so, and for anyone who would argue a point without knowing the whole story falls heavily into this area, because I know if ANY of you were accussed of doing something hurtful/wrong/immoral/sinful/etc that YOU would want YOUR side stated... whether you believe it or not, I take your side into consideration, with a few exceptions of extreme pain or hurt felt on my side, for as much as I would like to know the truth, it is difficult when I feel nothing but pain

-human: and will make mistakes... besides obvious spelling ones

-non human: and have an ever loving compation for the well being of as many humans as possible... and in this world, that is simply a nil to impossible task (that I accept). if ever you require an example, work for the phone company that covers over 14 states of humans who call up and think THEY are the only one with a phone problem, and that in order for me to help them, I would have to screw another customer over, and that it does not work that way, even though they are selfish ungratful humans who do not care, because it is all about the self, to a point where no one else matters (when you get your 9th call in the day that it is a MEDICAL EMERGANCY that the damn CALLER ID does not work... well... you better understand). While it may not seem like I have this over bearing compasion for everyone, realize that you are NOT the only one I must take into consideration in almost ALL arguments/debates you will have with me... I am attempting to respect the rights of as many humans as possible... it is just... well, as the saying goes, "You can't please all of the people all of the time"

-madd: and have a massively overbearing problem with time manegement and procrastination... to a point I have thought something was literally taking over my body (see 5th Dimentional Thinking) and making me do things... or in most cases, not do things, and while it would be painful to many, it would be more painful for me... it is like watching a kid sit in the street... and just sit there... and a bus is heading towards the kid, who is not moving... yet... I am not moving... even though my brain is going (in Lost in Space robot voice) DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!! I sit there... and watch the child slain... and realize... I so could have prevented it. This is a curse I will have to live with... ANYONE RUBBING IT IN MY FACE WILL NOT BE LOOKED UPON WITH KIND EYES. That is just a selfish thing to do, plain and simple. It is one thing to inform me for your first time... but to mention it, over and over, to a point of attempted guilt trips... you will find yourself on my bad side fast

-madd: while I still care not what the random human thinks of me, I am becoming more and more aware of caring how people I care about think I am treating them and the like. If I feel hurt for something I think you have done, then I care about you. It is the strange way for humans to keep in mind that I *do* have emotion and I *do* care. Do not take it towards your advantage, for if you do, you will see your actions have *no* effect on me. Given the start of this statement, that tells you where you put yourself

-madd: and for anyone to dare say something is the Mirror Effect? and that is the reason you treat me the way you do, well, realize that none of you (yet) know what the Mirror Effect? is. It is this simple. You hear a little of the Mirror Effect?, and believe you know ALL about it, so you all boost it's use. Well imagine this... Jack and Jill are in a relationship, and Jack has this thing called Tellball T that dictates his behavior. It simply states that he acts how he feels at the time towards other people, but ONLY on the 2th firday past each Jewish holiday. Jill only gets the first part, that behavior is dictated by how one feels at the time, so when she does something towards Jack, she uses the EXCUSE "well, I am just acting towards Tellball T's rule". Yet... it is no where close to Friday. Jill is desplaying a cynical response towards Jack... cynical because she is claiming to use something that is no where close to what it is. It is simple an excuse for behavior, and backed "well that is what you do to me". No, Jill... it is not. I did not, some day, out of boredom state "Okay, well... I am going to act towards people a certain way, and call it the Mirror Effect?, since I reflect back their actions, and mirrors do that, so it simply sounds cool". Just like, someone in the psychology field did not go, "Wait a second... I have a GREAT idea for a psychological disorder... a person is really more than one person, and none of these other person's know of each other. It is SO distinct, that they even have different fears, and physical abilities and talents. We shall call it Disassositive Identity Disorder (formally known as multiple personalities). Some of you humans... truly think this is what I have done. hAhAhA!! Wow... um, yeah, well, anyway... being of a deep psychological nature, I like to attempt to understand BETTER what makes me do what I do. The Mirror Effect? was something I came up with to explain how I appear to treat other people. I came up with this because I find it important to know why I interact the way I do with others. Why do I argue with some people yet not others? I am not even an argumentative person. Why do I have strange internal feelings towards humans who have done some things but not others? More so, person A does X to me, and person B does X to me, why in the world do I react so different to them? Why is it that some people who express so much love towards me, I want no romantic intentions towards them, yet, someone else who almost seemingly pays little attention to me I fantasize about marrying, expecially when the one giving me all the attention seems to be more attractive? What in the world is making me do what I do?? Hmm... so with years and years of pain, joy, suffering, and happiness, I started to see why a lot of what was happening was happening. Some day, I will post the "official" guide, since I know at least 4 humans on this planet would extremely want to know. So if I can better enlighten 4 humans, most excellent.

-madd: I realize I am not perfect, nor am I anywhere close to it. I have no quality that comes close to it. My complete honesty towards others? Humans have a problem with honesty... many times they simply WANT to hear something. "Did you miss me?" "No...". I have gotten scolded because I told a simple truth... I did not miss someone... which tells me, an answer was already brewed in the mind of the individual... now, while I am WORKING on mind reading, my skills are very limited. the closest I can do is read the minds of those extremely close to me, and even then, I tend to sucessfully fail quite often. So there is an "admirable" quality that falls short. Oh, I am funny and humorous... well, I recall many times that attempted jokes have gone beyond backfiring. One of my strongest memories of that is a comment made to my best friend about "sleeping with all of Des Moines" or something similar. Yeah, it was a joke, I mean, heck I get accussed there are only 2 women in Iowa I have not slept with, and despite how far from the truth that is... I laugh at it... especially now... the ratio to who I could have had sex with to who I have had sex with is INSANELY on the low actual count. No, this is not bragging, it states I really am NOT having sex with just anyone that comes along... however I already talked about that. So another strike. I am super intellegent. HahahaHahaHaHA!! My word, each time I hear some human say that(usually a random who encounters a cool little computer parlor trick, or some "insight" of information given)... I just about die. I think how I have no clue what the difference is between a republican and demecrate. I think how I have no clue what a "conservitive" human being is. I think how I had NO clue, for the longest time, why 69 was called 69. I think to the many things asked of me, that even non-Jeopardy smart people get without breaking a sweat, that I struggle with. I think about how many words I end up looking up. For the record, if I "appear" to be keeping up with all the big words you say, I most likely am using my trusty thesarus that is GLUED to my task bar. I run across 5 or so words a DAY that I have to look up. I simply stopped talking "big". I lost my touch and do not know what many of these words mean. I have intellegence, but they are limited to the "absent minded processor" case. Sure, I can possibly get your computer running... and give you a WOW of a time in video game finess... however don't talk about the liberal right wing conservative person and what you feel my stance is on it... for I will be unable to follow. Most of my smarts that are really smarts, are so because some where down the road I boned myself hard core. I have lost countless loads of computer information by crashing my computer. That is like saying someone is super smart because they no not to put their hand on a heated stove. No, they problemy BURNT their damn self some where down the road, and made a simple assocaition to it.

So to sum it all up, since I am attempting to manage time here... I am flawed, I am failed, I do some times contradict myself, I am, human. Oh, and in case I forgot, so are YOU. Well, not you, JOHD. Anyone else who may have made it this far (8 people?) is human, and makes mistakes. Some things better than me, some things worse than me. I am no better than the average person, minus a few traits I carry that SOME people do not. I have a massive amount of respect for people... until they give me reason to not have nay. I am dependable... I may not respond to your email right away, however, I WILL get to it... within... oh, at least 3 years, haha. I listen, that is something I admit I do well, however will turn around and say that others listen better in certain times than I do. I do not ALWAYS listen, some times I am too preoccupied with some strange event to be able to give a listening ear. Oh, and as much as humans may some times have a problem, in time, you can realize if you REALLY want an honest answer to an honest question... I will give you just that, to the best unbias way possible by a human being.